New Year. Now What?

So here we are at the end of 2011. Yes, it’s that time of year when we’re hit with those “best of the year” and “worst of the year” lists. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were doing your own year-end review, thinking about what happened and what didn’t happen, what you accomplished and what you didn’t accomplish.

And then, I will ask that question one more time, but change the emphasis. How do you THINK you did? I’m emphasizing the word “think” because that’s where you can get yourself in trouble when you’re doing your annual review.

Focus on the bigger picture. Life is an ongoing process of growing, developing, learning, caring and being cared for. An ebb and flow. Life may seem to go better – fewer challenges, more successes – some years, and not so great other years. But the point is that your life isn’t about only one year, but the years that you have lived, and the years that you have ahead of you. So don’t lose your perspective.

Give in to the possibility of change. And while you’re looking at the bigger picture, ask yourself: Is 2012 a year for new directions? The only thing we can really count on is that things change. You’ve already seen it in your own life, with the changes that your diagnosis introduced. The more flexible you can be – ready, willing, and able to shift your priorities, and change your routine – makes it easier to live with uncertainty. Open yourself up to the unexpected.


Make “taking better care of myself” the top priority for 2012. Think about what you need to do to strengthen your foundation. More attention to your physical well-being with an exercise plan? Learning how to cope better with stress? Picking up a new hobby? Spending more time with friends and family? Building a stronger support network? Assess your strengths, and where you need to add more muscle, and commit to doing what you need to do to get bulked up.

Celebrate 2011 by celebrating yourself! You’ve made it through another year. Life is good. And 2012 is a year of even more opportunity for personal growth.

Happy New Year! Make 2012 the best year yet… at least until 2013!

Your middle name isn't God.

A medical diagnosis, and all the uncertainty around it, can leave you feeling out of control. Scary decisions to be made. Treatments with unfamiliar side effects. Emotions all over the place. Loved ones trying to micromanage your life, or running for the hills. And when humans feel out of control, they begin to fear what we all fear the most: helplessness. But consider this: we are not in control of what happens in our lives. Life happens as it happens. Trying to have control over everything is trying to play God, and that's a lose-lose proposition. So, unless your middle name is God, can you give yourself a break? Take a look at what you can control -- starting with taking the best possible care of yourself -- and stop trying to control the uncontrollable. Take life one day at a time. THIS day. Not tomorrow. You don't control that either. Take a deep breath and relax. Live in the moment.

Remind yourself that you are a work in progress.

Looking for another way to stress yourself out?

How about telling yourself what you should have done, said, felt, accomplished, been acknowledged for, etc. All those “shoulds” can turn into a big old club. And if you use that club to hit yourself over the head a few times, you can end up with stress, and probably a headache to go along with it.

Ready to put the club away but not sure how to do it?

You can start by making the decision to allow yourself to be human. That means not always being perfect. Making a few mistakes, a few misjudgments. Pushing too hard, or being a little lazy. Being flat-footed once in awhile and stepping on somebody’s toes.

That’s all part of being human. We learn from our miss-steps. We try to do better next time. Sometimes we succeed. Sometimes we have to keep practicing. Two steps forward, one or two steps back.
Lighten up. Shake your head at yourself and smile. Resolve to keep trying.

Remind yourself that you are work in progress. You may never “arrive,” whatever that means. But it’s all about doing the best you can on this journey of life.

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Blaming the victim

It’s hard not to feel helpless when the person you are caring for has bad days. You don't know what to do and so you feel scared, as any human being would. But as a result, you may unintentionally slip into to “blaming the victim.”

You may do this by getting mad at your loved one for not "doing something" to avoid the bad days, as if this was possible. Or you may want them to "fake it til you make it" and pretend they aren't feeling the way they are feeling. Or you want to micro-manage them by getting on top of their compliance with medications. Clearly, none of this is helpful to them and, instead, leaves them feeling unsupported at a time when they need your support.

Have you sat down to talk with them about how they feel? Have they had a chance to educate you on what you can do to help them — even if it means backing off — when they are having a bad day? You may have tried this already, but it might help to sit down and get some education.

And while you are at it, this might be a good time to let the person you care for know how they can better help you to help them. Making an agreement to be honest with each other is a great start.

Give your loved one permission to say: “don't worry, I will get through this, and I you will be the first person I will come to if I need help." This might be a good start.

Sweating the small stuff

It always really annoys me when I hear the phrase, "don't sweat the small stuff." First, I don't like cliches. Second, and more important, it usually being said by someone who doesn't understand what the person they are saying it to is going through. Caregivers, for example. Caregiving is all about sweating the small stuff, being there to manage the little details that contribute to quality of life for the person you are taking care of. Making sure a favorite snack is available. Giving them a call in the middle of the day. Double and triple checking on a doctor's appointment. Help them get dressed but honoring by not doing it for them even when it takes three times as long to do it that way. The small stuff that caregivers sweat.

Frustration

These days, daily life gives us any number of reasons for our frustration button to be pushed hard. You name it, the weather, the economy, our jobs, family… and facing the day-to-day challenges of a medical condition.

It is only human to feel frustrated when life seems to be throwing one curveball after another, to ask questions like “what is this happening to me?” Lingering frustration can be a “gift” that keeps on giving. It can bring up a lot of strong feelings that may be hard to sort out. It can make you wonder if there is anything you can do to fix things, and if you should even bother to try. Frustration can leave you with a pretty bleak view of your future.

Show yourself some compassion… and patience. Go easy on yourself, tell yourself that you are facing a lot and that you are doing the best you can under the circumstances, and that you will find a way to face his challenge, as you have faced others in the past. Turn your compassion outward. If you can stop being hard on yourself you will also be less likely to be hard on others.